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Caution - Opinions ahead often with a sarcastic tone.

Friday, July 1, 2011

The Man Check List

MUST be over 30 - if your 20-ish and you think sending me a Facebook/Myspace/Text/Email/Etc message, with the notion that all women over 30 are after young boys for marathon sex that lacks any real experience, you’re wrong, longer doesn’t make up for years of careful planning and strategy, know your game;

MUST be single – if you have a girlfriend, wife, friend with benefits, even if you swear she doesn’t understand you, keep in mind, we won’t understand why we’re not enough either;

MUST have at least one brother or sister – this is where you would have learned how to share and when to compromise;

MUST NOT live at home – if you live with your parent(s), are just finding a place or just moved out (under 5 years) you’ll be busy looking for a parent replacement, and that isn’t us;

MUST be a working class man – meaning NO “entrepreneurial spirit” that’s just phrase for can’t take direction, and you know all the places where that can go wrong;

MUST take care of yourself – for this, you will have to walk a fine line…personal hygiene is good…trips to the salon are ok but should be hidden, we don’t really need to know why you look hot, leave a little mystery. Most importantly, NEVER take longer in the bathroom then we do;

MUST have friends your own age – if you hang out with grandpa we’ll have nothing in common, if you hang around teenagers and people in their 20’s, you probably have an immaturity problem;

MUST NOT have too many health issues – if you are one organ or digit away from being Steve Austin, Gentlemen, we can’t rebuild you;

MUST NOT have a slew of ex-girlfriends that have “abused” or “taken advantage of you” – you know the old saying, “if everyone around you is an asshole, it probably isn’t everyone else”;

MUST NOT have a nickname that includes the word “BOY” – if this is how people still refer to you, it’s a clear indication that you have some form of Peter Pan Syndrome;

MUST LOVE kids and UNDERSTAND them – they are not out to get you and their needs will, from time to time, surpass your own;

MUST be honest with gift giving - If you give, give it without the expectation of receiving, if you’re keeping a running tally you’re not a generous person, so stop pretending to be and just be yourself;

MUST be able to keep in mind at all times that sometimes people need to work, clean, cook, spend time with children, and various other things and therefore they may not be worrying about every little need and popcorn thought you have at that time;

MUST not be insecure or have “other” emotional problems – if you are or do, you need a professional and not a girlfriend;

MUST have the ability to keep “some things” to self – women love open and honest but even though we’re curious to know what your fantasy is – if it’s gang bang porn, we’ll just be wondering from then on…if you wanted to be first or last; and…

LAST but certainly not LEAST, MUST have a sense of humour – IF YOU DON’T GET IT, YOU NEVER WILL!

1 comment:

  1. 10 out of 15 isn't bad right? Do I still have a shot at you? And you would always be first 😜