The Man Check List

MUST be over 30 - if your 20-ish and you think sending me a Facebook/Myspace/Text/Email/Etc message, with the notion that all women over 30 are after young boys for marathon sex that lacks any real experience, you’re wrong, longer doesn’t make up for years of careful planning and strategy, know your game;


MUST be single – if you have a girlfriend, wife, friend with benefits, even if you swear she doesn’t understand you, keep in mind, we won’t understand why we’re not enough either;


MUST have at least one brother or sister – this is where you would have learned how to share and when to compromise;


MUST NOT live at home – if you live with your parent(s), are just finding a place or just moved out (under 5 years) you’ll be busy looking for a parent replacement, and that isn’t us;


MUST be a working class man – meaning NO “entrepreneurial spirit” that’s just phrase for can’t take direction, and you know all the places where that can go wrong;


MUST take care of yourself – for this, you will have to walk a fine line…personal hygiene is good…trips to the salon are ok but should be hidden, we don’t really need to know why you look hot, leave a little mystery. Most importantly, NEVER take longer in the bathroom then we do;


MUST have friends your own age – if you hang out with grandpa we’ll have nothing in common, if you hang around teenagers and people in their 20’s, you probably have an immaturity problem;


MUST NOT have too many health issues – if you are one organ or digit away from being Steve Austin, Gentlemen, we can’t rebuild you;


MUST NOT have a slew of ex-girlfriends that have “abused” or “taken advantage of you” – you know the old saying, “if everyone around you is an asshole, it probably isn’t everyone else”;


MUST NOT have a nickname that includes the word “BOY” – if this is how people still refer to you, it’s a clear indication that you have some form of Peter Pan Syndrome;


MUST LOVE kids and UNDERSTAND them – they are not out to get you and their needs will, from time to time, surpass your own;


MUST be honest with gift giving - If you give, give it without the expectation of receiving, if you’re keeping a running tally you’re not a generous person, so stop pretending to be and just be yourself;


MUST be able to keep in mind at all times that sometimes people need to work, clean, cook, spend time with children, and various other things and therefore they may not be worrying about every little need and popcorn thought you have at that time;


MUST not be insecure or have “other” emotional problems – if you are or do, you need a professional and not a girlfriend;


MUST have the ability to keep “some things” to self – women love open and honest but even though we’re curious to know what your fantasy is – if it’s gang bang porn, we’ll just be wondering from then on…if you wanted to be first or last; and…


LAST but certainly not LEAST, MUST have a sense of humour – IF YOU DON’T GET IT, YOU NEVER WILL!

Cyberland Fucktards

Cyberspace Fucktards

That’s right bitches, I’m back and with a fucking vengeance. I lost sight of what I loved for just a little while but the bitch is back and ready to write.

Fuck: sleep together: have sexual intercourse with
Tard: Mental retardation is a generalized disorder, characterized by subaverage cognitive functioning and deficits

Put 2 and 2 together: FUCKTARD

So what is a cyberspace fucktard? This is the guy who spends so much time living in a delusional fantasy world created by his own warped self opinion of his complete and utter confidence that he could fuck the whole world into simultaneous orgasm. Usually brought on by over fantasizing via internet and other twenty-first century communication devices.

Also known as “porn brain” he can’t actually practice outside of said thought and is only capable of sex via photo shopped pictures placed on myspace or facebook, emails to stupid people who believe bullshit, and of coarse text messages. He looks at said photos or words and jerks off, this in turn makes him feel like a real man because the object of his desire has neither a word or a thought, just a face or body in which to spunk over that would not or could not tell him how he couldn‘t live up to the expectations in his own brain. This, the same brain that’s been pounding the masses to total satisfaction for what could be years now.

Must someone be completely devoid of all human traits and the need for human contact? Some of us here on planet earth walk, talk, interact, and fuck each other - IN PERSON!  Maybe if I or the object of your desire just sat there with our eyes bright eyed and mannequin like, careful not to mumble a word, could you perform? Come on Fucktard, are you with me?

Does it make you nervous I might actually tell you how I might not like it, or worse…you can’t make me cum like you’ve disillusioned yourself into believing? That one big gush you’ve convinced yourself that only you, the man of mine and every other women’s dreams can give me. Clearly you may need the practice on a human body.

Time to leave cyber land my friend. Here’s a thought, take baby steps before approaching a real girl. There are certain “dolls” available for you to use at reasonable prices if the real thing is to challenging. After dolls, throw a $50 down for a prostitute, tell her there is a tip if she lays completely still and when you’re mediocre job is done, lies to you and tells you how no one has ever been such a fantastic fucking lay and she’s seen a lot of cock my friend. A real ego booster. I repeat - BABY STEPS!

It can be extremely self reflecting when you go after a real woman and I empathize with you. You have been in your own reality so long, you may fully believe you are the king of pussy! This is hard (Ha! No pun intended) to move from screen to skin, but keep on keeping on Cyber Fucktard and one day you can move up the ladder to a being a normal everyday fucking asshole!