The Man Check List

MUST be over 30 - if your 20-ish and you think sending me a Facebook/Myspace/Text/Email/Etc message, with the notion that all women over 30 are after young boys for marathon sex that lacks any real experience, you’re wrong, longer doesn’t make up for years of careful planning and strategy, know your game;


MUST be single – if you have a girlfriend, wife, friend with benefits, even if you swear she doesn’t understand you, keep in mind, we won’t understand why we’re not enough either;


MUST have at least one brother or sister – this is where you would have learned how to share and when to compromise;


MUST NOT live at home – if you live with your parent(s), are just finding a place or just moved out (under 5 years) you’ll be busy looking for a parent replacement, and that isn’t us;


MUST be a working class man – meaning NO “entrepreneurial spirit” that’s just phrase for can’t take direction, and you know all the places where that can go wrong;


MUST take care of yourself – for this, you will have to walk a fine line…personal hygiene is good…trips to the salon are ok but should be hidden, we don’t really need to know why you look hot, leave a little mystery. Most importantly, NEVER take longer in the bathroom then we do;


MUST have friends your own age – if you hang out with grandpa we’ll have nothing in common, if you hang around teenagers and people in their 20’s, you probably have an immaturity problem;


MUST NOT have too many health issues – if you are one organ or digit away from being Steve Austin, Gentlemen, we can’t rebuild you;


MUST NOT have a slew of ex-girlfriends that have “abused” or “taken advantage of you” – you know the old saying, “if everyone around you is an asshole, it probably isn’t everyone else”;


MUST NOT have a nickname that includes the word “BOY” – if this is how people still refer to you, it’s a clear indication that you have some form of Peter Pan Syndrome;


MUST LOVE kids and UNDERSTAND them – they are not out to get you and their needs will, from time to time, surpass your own;


MUST be honest with gift giving - If you give, give it without the expectation of receiving, if you’re keeping a running tally you’re not a generous person, so stop pretending to be and just be yourself;


MUST be able to keep in mind at all times that sometimes people need to work, clean, cook, spend time with children, and various other things and therefore they may not be worrying about every little need and popcorn thought you have at that time;


MUST not be insecure or have “other” emotional problems – if you are or do, you need a professional and not a girlfriend;


MUST have the ability to keep “some things” to self – women love open and honest but even though we’re curious to know what your fantasy is – if it’s gang bang porn, we’ll just be wondering from then on…if you wanted to be first or last; and…


LAST but certainly not LEAST, MUST have a sense of humour – IF YOU DON’T GET IT, YOU NEVER WILL!

The Other F Word

friend .. (frnd)

n.....

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.....

2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.....

3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.....

4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement....

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When meeting someone you automatically classify them in a group. This is often developed in your self conscience and one may not be fully aware of what category you have classified a person in until it is thrust into your face. Some of these meetings can be incredibly clear, even at first glance: girlfriend/boyfriend material, pleasant colleague, casual acquaintance, enemy, etc. Some are not clear, like the “friend” guy or girl.....

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So what happens when a person says friend, and doesn’t mean it, but the other feels a strictly platonic bond? ....

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Friendship is the mutually cooperative and supportive behavior between two or more people. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as the exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for some, the practical execution of friendship is little more than the trust that someone will not harm them.....

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This definition of friendship is taken from Wikipedia and nowhere does it say that in friendship that the parties involved will partake in sexual activities. I have found that people who are afraid to ask for what they want often refer to new people (in the sex of their interest) in their lives as friends. Saying such things as “You’re such a good friend,” “You’re like my best friend,” this is the kiss of death. You can NOT advertise your new budding relationship as friendship if you want more; it’s like leading someone on, they think they are getting one thing and getting something totally different. You can not promise to be loyal and have respect for someone if you are busy trying to deceive them into falling for you. ....

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YOU MUST BE UPFRONT, once you announce a friendship - you are a friend and expected to act as one. Now I know that sometimes you may wake up from a dream where you have “enjoyed” your friend a little too much and start to see them in a different light - this happens but that’s not what I’m talking about. I am strictly talking about those individuals who deceive for fear of rejection. Really, all you are doing is setting yourself up for a purely sadomasochistic relationship. ....

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I have had men in my life where I have thought they were great friends, we did everything together, had long conversations, and seemed to have unlimited commonalities until I started dating someone. Then, the person I thought would never leave me because they were such a great “f” word was gone. I guess without the possibility of sex I was way less interesting. ....

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This is the worst betrayal. Losing a friend is sometimes harder then losing someone you have been dating. You expect more from a friend. ....

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If you are the person who drops the “f” word and doesn’t mean it and then gets mad when that person sees you as a friend - what right do you have to be angry and disappear? You are in the wrong - you have been deceiving the person from day one and get angry when they don’t reciprocate feelings they didn’t know were there. ....

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I think it would be easier if you took the rejection then to wait and build more feelings for that person just to be shot down and then spend your time crying about how awful they were to you (remember when I said sadomasochistic?). They weren’t awful, they were honest and you are a fraud! Besides, maybe you wouldn’t get rejected, maybe with honestly comes a great relationship because once you get in the friend zone you will forever be solidified in their brain as a friend

Three Reasons to not want a RELATIONSHIT

I have had it. I am so sick of people being treated like shit at the hand or words or inaction of other human beings.

Why is it when you are in a “relationship” with someone people they just want you to suck up every thoughtless gesture or comment?

What about these people who start a relationship with someone and when they hurt their feelings in some way, shape or form and when they tell the person this they look at them like their crazy. I’m sorry, I am not some inane person who is going swallow every bit of shit you try to cram down my throat. Some people think that they can do or say anything to you and you are supposed to take it like some mindless bobble head with no feelings. Like the whole fucking world should suck on Prozac to make your life easier – god forbid we differ.

Worse is the person who starts said relationships and never calls a person again. So they are finished with you and your love for your own self esteem and then give you that one final lying dribble, that final kiss off text or email or that phone call with the classic “I’ll call you later.” Then they are never to be heard from again. Then you sit there wondering if it’s you, like somehow you are only justified as a human being if they give you the respect you deserve. Is it so hard to say, “I’m just not feeling it?”

No, these people just think they can run and hide and think by telling you what they think you want to hear, because they’ve been backed into the “shit! I just got a text from them and now how the hell am I going to get them to go away?” – The, I’ll call you later – is somehow going to last until the next time you accidently run into them or worse indefinitely. What the hell are they thinking?

So, these people just think that they can just hang around you; occupy your time via text or email or phone; say nice things to you; make plans and then just leave with no explanation and you are supposed to just ingest it. Pardon my confusion but weren’t you the person that said I’ll call you later. When the hell is later? And when did I loose your respect. I’m sorry did I have an opinion you didn’t share, a thought out of place, a fucking hang nail, what?

And last but not least, the mind game players. I hate games, there are no rules, if you want to call, then call. I don’t care if it’s been 3 days or not, if you’re thinking about me call! Or the person who can never give you a straight answer, usually because they are working every known angle to maximize their partner counts – stupid players. They come when they want to, inconvenience you in some way, and convince you – only when they’ve given you the some of their precious time, usually at their leisure – that you are so wonderful and only you can make them happy or complete, only to rip the carpet from beneath you when you realize you’ve been dealt a hand full of crumbs – well I want the whole saltine and a glass of fucking water.

I have an idea – give yourself an egg wash, roll around in your fucking crumbs and stick yourself in the fucking oven and bake until crispy!

The Grasshopper and the Parasite

Bloodsucker n.

1. An animal, such as a leech, that sucks blood;
2. An extortionist or a blackmailer;
3. A person who is intrusively or overly dependent upon another; a parasite.

Often men come into our lives that require a compassionate soul to lean on. This guy can be just out of a bad relationship or even still half in one. They often present themselves as the guy friend and even convince us they’re our best friend.

My young friend who I’ve named Grasshopper was recently in this type of relationship. She met a guy, we’ll call The Parasite. In the beginning when they met the Parasite had just gotten out of a bad relationship. He would talk to the Grasshopper for hours, complaining about his ex. He would tell her that she was so thoughtful and generous and really knew how to listen. He convinced her that she had become his best friend. So do they live happily ever after? NO!

At times the Parasite wanted to be not only best friends, but friends with benefits so to speak. This thrilled the young Grasshopper, finally a great guy, who was sensitive and caring and liked her as a person, enough to call her his best friend and who could really see what she had to offer as a person. (Spoiler Alert – men do this if they think you are losing interest in their problems or they need to feel like a man)

During the Parasites many rough patches, he started to spend time with his ex again and he no longer wanted the benefits he had once asked for, in fact never spoke of them again as if it had never happened. Although he and his ex had not gotten back together the Parasite would try to win her undying affections again, leaving the Grasshopper to pick up the pieces of his failed attempts. She was in fact his best friend right? She sat for hours listening to him complain about the other woman, never once complaining about where the mention “benefits” had gone and growing anger that this other woman was just playing all these games with him, completely unaware that he was playing them with her. Full of anger towards the ex and with the thoughts of one day he will be free from this “evil” woman she sat patient waiting for him to see her and realize that she was the better woman.

After some time passed and nothing changed between this ménage a trios; she in fact had a problem or two of her own in which she needed a friend. As she attempted to speak to him on issues that were solely her own, he changed the subject back to his broken heart and his countless issues. He was jobless, girlfriendless, and completely oblivious to the fact that most of his issues were his own fault.

Awhile more had past and the in-person meetings between the Grasshopper and the Parasite had come to a halt and the phone calls/texting/Facebooking/Online Chatting had slowed and it had become apparent to the Grasshopper that the Parasite had finally cured himself of his neediness or found a new host on which to feed. But being a good friend she tried repeatedly to contact him – they were best friends right? He would say he was going to phone later, say he would “try” to make time for her, “try” to see her soon but became increasingly unavailable. So unavailable in fact, he stopped responding all together. I guess the Grasshopper was no longer a use to the Parasite as he was full and finally happy.

I told her to start deleting and blocking him. She was reluctant at first thinking that her friend would come around, be back soon, and see the light. So we put it to the test. I said text him and see if he responds. Three pints low she did and never got a response. So she deleted him to see if he would even notice – HE DIDN’T!

Women often find strays, some woman’s garbage that will find you, a caring soul full of life and love, and use you until they get her back or someone else without any problems of their own that can cater to their every whim. They never take their “friends” seriously as mates or see them other then bodies on which to feed. Once you present yourself as a listener requiring nothing for yourself, you become food for their manhood. They will drain you and not look back at the carnage created by their feasting.

So why do we fall for it? We want a man who is sensitive and caring. We see these men as willing to sacrifice their souls for the one they love and we want a piece. We want a man to feel that way about us, a man who can’t exist devoid of us, who is torn into a million pieces without us. Unfortunately it isn’t us and it will never be us, at least with him. This is a true predator, a wolf in loves clothing.

But don’t feel too bad for the young Grasshopper, she may be sad and torn but she still has enough energy to leave one final thought:

Dear Parasite,
I hate you. You are a loser. You have ripped my heart out and I hope you’ve had fun doing it.
Your most recent ex-best friend,
Better off without you
Grasshopper