The Man Check List

MUST be over 30 - if your 20-ish and you think sending me a Facebook/Myspace/Text/Email/Etc message, with the notion that all women over 30 are after young boys for marathon sex that lacks any real experience, you’re wrong, longer doesn’t make up for years of careful planning and strategy, know your game;


MUST be single – if you have a girlfriend, wife, friend with benefits, even if you swear she doesn’t understand you, keep in mind, we won’t understand why we’re not enough either;


MUST have at least one brother or sister – this is where you would have learned how to share and when to compromise;


MUST NOT live at home – if you live with your parent(s), are just finding a place or just moved out (under 5 years) you’ll be busy looking for a parent replacement, and that isn’t us;


MUST be a working class man – meaning NO “entrepreneurial spirit” that’s just phrase for can’t take direction, and you know all the places where that can go wrong;


MUST take care of yourself – for this, you will have to walk a fine line…personal hygiene is good…trips to the salon are ok but should be hidden, we don’t really need to know why you look hot, leave a little mystery. Most importantly, NEVER take longer in the bathroom then we do;


MUST have friends your own age – if you hang out with grandpa we’ll have nothing in common, if you hang around teenagers and people in their 20’s, you probably have an immaturity problem;


MUST NOT have too many health issues – if you are one organ or digit away from being Steve Austin, Gentlemen, we can’t rebuild you;


MUST NOT have a slew of ex-girlfriends that have “abused” or “taken advantage of you” – you know the old saying, “if everyone around you is an asshole, it probably isn’t everyone else”;


MUST NOT have a nickname that includes the word “BOY” – if this is how people still refer to you, it’s a clear indication that you have some form of Peter Pan Syndrome;


MUST LOVE kids and UNDERSTAND them – they are not out to get you and their needs will, from time to time, surpass your own;


MUST be honest with gift giving - If you give, give it without the expectation of receiving, if you’re keeping a running tally you’re not a generous person, so stop pretending to be and just be yourself;


MUST be able to keep in mind at all times that sometimes people need to work, clean, cook, spend time with children, and various other things and therefore they may not be worrying about every little need and popcorn thought you have at that time;


MUST not be insecure or have “other” emotional problems – if you are or do, you need a professional and not a girlfriend;


MUST have the ability to keep “some things” to self – women love open and honest but even though we’re curious to know what your fantasy is – if it’s gang bang porn, we’ll just be wondering from then on…if you wanted to be first or last; and…


LAST but certainly not LEAST, MUST have a sense of humour – IF YOU DON’T GET IT, YOU NEVER WILL!

The Other F Word

friend .. (frnd)

n.....

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.....

2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.....

3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.....

4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement....

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When meeting someone you automatically classify them in a group. This is often developed in your self conscience and one may not be fully aware of what category you have classified a person in until it is thrust into your face. Some of these meetings can be incredibly clear, even at first glance: girlfriend/boyfriend material, pleasant colleague, casual acquaintance, enemy, etc. Some are not clear, like the “friend” guy or girl.....

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So what happens when a person says friend, and doesn’t mean it, but the other feels a strictly platonic bond? ....

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Friendship is the mutually cooperative and supportive behavior between two or more people. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as the exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for some, the practical execution of friendship is little more than the trust that someone will not harm them.....

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This definition of friendship is taken from Wikipedia and nowhere does it say that in friendship that the parties involved will partake in sexual activities. I have found that people who are afraid to ask for what they want often refer to new people (in the sex of their interest) in their lives as friends. Saying such things as “You’re such a good friend,” “You’re like my best friend,” this is the kiss of death. You can NOT advertise your new budding relationship as friendship if you want more; it’s like leading someone on, they think they are getting one thing and getting something totally different. You can not promise to be loyal and have respect for someone if you are busy trying to deceive them into falling for you. ....

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YOU MUST BE UPFRONT, once you announce a friendship - you are a friend and expected to act as one. Now I know that sometimes you may wake up from a dream where you have “enjoyed” your friend a little too much and start to see them in a different light - this happens but that’s not what I’m talking about. I am strictly talking about those individuals who deceive for fear of rejection. Really, all you are doing is setting yourself up for a purely sadomasochistic relationship. ....

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I have had men in my life where I have thought they were great friends, we did everything together, had long conversations, and seemed to have unlimited commonalities until I started dating someone. Then, the person I thought would never leave me because they were such a great “f” word was gone. I guess without the possibility of sex I was way less interesting. ....

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This is the worst betrayal. Losing a friend is sometimes harder then losing someone you have been dating. You expect more from a friend. ....

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If you are the person who drops the “f” word and doesn’t mean it and then gets mad when that person sees you as a friend - what right do you have to be angry and disappear? You are in the wrong - you have been deceiving the person from day one and get angry when they don’t reciprocate feelings they didn’t know were there. ....

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I think it would be easier if you took the rejection then to wait and build more feelings for that person just to be shot down and then spend your time crying about how awful they were to you (remember when I said sadomasochistic?). They weren’t awful, they were honest and you are a fraud! Besides, maybe you wouldn’t get rejected, maybe with honestly comes a great relationship because once you get in the friend zone you will forever be solidified in their brain as a friend

Athena's Divine Comedy

Similar to Dante’s The Divine Comedy, marriage moves through three realms but in the opposite direction to Dante’s journey. Let me explain.


The first realm - Paradiso.

For the newly married, it is paradise. This is the beginning of the relationship where your significant other can do no wrong and where their little “corks” are considered cute.

Ahhh paradise, where the butterflies seem to live in your stomach without break. Where you have an aching to see each other every minute of everyday and no longer have a need to have any life without your partner. Your single and fun friends disappear and you won’t notice. Where sharing food, holding hands, and making your new “couple” friends blush over your public displays of affection feel so natural. All is perfect and you have embarked on a new and exciting life together awaiting a perfect future. You think to yourself that if you love someone so much now, this love can only increase, right?

The second realm – Purgatorio.

This is when you have you been married a few years and the routines begin. Spaghetti night on Mondays, cards with the neighbours on Tuesdays, Wednesday is boys/girls night (purely, good clean fun consisting of other spouses of other couples you met together), Thursday is Grey’s Anatomy, Friday is help yourself to anything in the fridge dinner night, Saturday is housecleaning and errands, Sunday is visiting with family. These are things you start to do religiously, in fact the routine has become so routine you can’t think outside of the box you've created.

By this time, your single friends have all but disappeared. They do still send an occasional email or give you a quick call, but have a running joke that you're no longer allowed to go outside. You bump into them on occasion and they tell you about their super exciting weekend, people they met, traveling they’ve done and you politely smile. You tell your partner later that you ran into them and regurgitate their stories. Usually during this time your partner will laugh it off and talk about how “empty and shallow” their lives seem and you yourself may even agree.

Your significant others corks have become who they are and have lost the “cute” appeal they once had. No spontaneity is left in your relationship, except for the occasional birthday or anniversary and those "events" seem more like you're being put out then having a good time. There are NO surprises and nothing is left to the imagination. You think about it sometimes but swallow this fate as you can see no problem with it other then seeing no problem – your mind is locked inside it's own purgatory.

The third realm is especially tricky and in fact consists of 9 circles of hell – Inferno.


1_Limbo – You start to find your existence dull and unfulfilling yet you still haven’t found a way to fix it, so you sit and ponder. You start to email and call your old friends, plotting a way out of the house.
2_Lustful – It seems by this stage you will look for a new model where life will be again fun, spontaneous, and eventful. You look for anyone to fill this void. You start to envy everyone who is still allowed to have fun, and you want your friends back.
3_Gluttonous – You want more! You crave food, sex, or anything that will make you feel better and you want a lot of it. The more the better!
4_Hoarders and Spendthrifts – You start to plot, you want out, but you don’t want to give away everything you’ve worked for. So you start a little secret nestegg and become increasingly aware of every dime your partner is spending – this builds resentment.
5_Wrathful – Your resentment has turned to anger. Your partners corks now feels like nails down a chalkboard and the hair on the back of your neck stands on end when you see them. When they make a little snort when they laugh or tell the same story you’ve heard a hundred times before, you feel nauseous and you can feel your hate swelling in your stomach killing each butterfly slow and painfully. You become increasingly pissed off because you used to have friends and now you’re stuck with these married, spouse approved bores and you want your FUCKING FRIENDS BACK!
6_Heretics – You start to hate marriage, everything about marriage. You believe it to be a barbaric institution that your friends and family had convinced you was a logical step for human nature. You start to resent them for pushing you into this horrible life and wish you had never been born. You now start to see your old friends again and condemn marriage. You constantly talk of it horror and warn others against it. You are no longer yourself and your old friends can easily pick this up. Hatred spews from you and you can’t remember the last time you said something positive.
7_Violent – Your anger has been festering for so long that you can’t help but express it in physical ways. You may take your frustration out while weeding and tear up your entire yard in a fit of uncontrolable anger. You may come across a broken appliance and throw it out the window – there will be many ways you will lose it. You start to scream at the smallest of things. Those “corks” now cause a fight and you can’t help but express your hatred towards everything they do and say. You say all the nasty things that have been festering for years and now you want your partner to know that you hate them, in fact you’ll tell anyone who will listen that you hate them. You stop wanting to see your “couple” friends because you hate them too. Your old friends may not want to see you, because you're horrible to be around – your constant complaining and frustration is a downer and as one or two of them may try to comfort you, but they can’t help you.
8_Fraudulents – You now know your leaving and its time to start covering up all of the horrible things you’ve done up to this point. You deny any wrong doing and you convince yourself that it is entirely their fault, for everything! You twist everything, you lie and deny every horrible action, in fact you can’t even tell what the truth is anymore. The only thing you are completely sure of is you hate them!
9_The Bottom of the well (DIVORCE) – This is hell on earth, when the thoughts of killing them and spending the rest of your life behind bars seems favourable to living with them for another second. So what sits at the bottom of the well? LAWYERS! This is the accountability circle, when all of your actions from the previous eight circles get thrown back at you. When the lawyers dig, and pry and get rich off your misery.